Someone (no idea who) rivalled Allan Kent’s bowling prowess, by bowling so many wides that a single over has lasted oh, I don’t know like… 20 minutes.

Laugh, I tell you. We’re pissing ourselves.

So what’s the big deal, you ask? Well, Sarah is an ACE scorer. She has a nifty scoring book and the most delicious collection of coloured pens this anonymous blogger has ever seen. (Cluckhoff feels the pink is the most happymaking one, while I prefer the green. Cowgrrl just likes them all, and finds them weirdly calming. They also have a nice clean rolling action and… oh, all right, I’ll move on from the pens.) Also, and this is important… Sarah knows HOW to score. The rest of us spectator types don’t.

Mike Stopforth stared at us meancingly until Kerry-anne cracked and agreed to try, but honestly, she’s just doodling in the margins of that nifty book with the superduper pens. I think she’s just drawn a unicorn, but it may have been a horse with a rather short, lanced knight on it. It’s hard to tell.

In short? We no longer have any idea what the score is. We just hope against hope that one of the 17 boys on the field (all sharing one box, eugh) is keeping count.

But fun, by gosh, is most definitely being had. We’re just worried Sarah’s going to come and claim her pens back.

Ooh, everyone’s clapping. Something must have happened. How exciting.

Speed-bowling

It’s been a thrilling morning of cricket down at the Wynberg Cricket Club so far. We’ve had at least two celebrity appearances (Don Packett, acclaimed MC of the Coke Zero Fest, has been seen signing cricket bats and girls’…um… upper arms, and Sam Wilson, star of Women24 The Movie, was spotted lounging fieldside, despite her attempts at going incognito in Gucci sunglasses and a large straw hat), and also, a fire engine rushed past a while ago, with its sirens blaring.

Apparently there’s been a bit of cricket too, but the spectators don’t seem particularly interested. The Kaapse Klopse have made a good start to their innings, with a few sixes (three off the bowling of Allan Kent, who was last spotted crying quietly next door at the fire station) and a bunch of fours. The opposition (the Chevrolet Chargers, or Chevrolet Nashua Mercedes Supersport Nike Chargers, or Chevrolet Purity Huggies Chargers, depending on who you speak to) have managed to nab a few wickets too, although I was told by a reliable source that most of these were “completely unfair, if you ask me” (Rob Stokes, captain of the Kaapse Klopse).

Current score is 136/6, with one retired. Here again we have conflicting reports – the scorekeeper told me that it’s mandatory to retire once you hit 30 runs, but a bystander (who refused to be named, for fear of retribution) said that the player had actually retired with a broken ankle after Mike Stopforth tripped him. I can’t find the player involved, unfortunately, so can’t get his take on the situation, but I’m guessing he’s over at the fire station with Allan Kent. Oh, and Mike Stopforth says his contract prevents him from speaking to the media.

Yes indeed, my friends, you’ve just stumbled into the mad and dangerous world of GeekCricket.

What can fans expect?

There’ll be fast-bowling and turn-bowling*. There’ll be masterful strokeplay** alternating with horrible, awful, soul-destroying battering of the ball. There’ll be boundaries***, and there’ll be wickets***. There’ll be tears on the field, and tears of laughter in the stands. Heroes will be made**** and reputations will be lost*****.

*For the uninitiated, turn-bowling is much like spin-bowling, but with just a single turn as the ball is flung from the bowler’s hand. Or occasionally, hands.

**Albie Morkel has promised to make a turn – if he doesn’t, I’ll probably have to take this sentence out. Let’s be realistic here.

***Whether the ball will reach them is another matter entirely.

****I’m talking about the guy who manages to find an open bottle store on Easter Sunday so that everyone can have beer with their lunch, of course.

*****And here I mean pretty much everyone.

What’s the format?

At this stage there will be eight and a half players per side, with no umpires and one (possibly inebriated) scorer. There will be 35 overs a side. Or perhaps 25. Or they might alternate, with each team batting an over and then bowling an over. Or perhaps all seventeen will come out onto the field at once, with eight and a half standing at one end of the pitch, bats in hand, whilst the other eight and a half bowl at them from the other end, and the spectators do the fielding. Or they might just cut their losses and play French Cricket instead. We’ll see.

How can I join in and support my team?

The match will take place today (Sunday the 12th of April) at the Wynberg Cricket Club, on the corner of Rosmead Avenue and Wetton Road. It’s conveniently located next to the fire station. In case of fire. Or in case the spectators get bored – they’ll be able to go on a quick tour of the fire station to amuse themselves. The first ball will be bowled at 10.30 or thereabouts. And you can join in and support your team by being there, obviously. Get the details here. Also, if you don’t want to see Justin Hartman cut in half so that there can be an equal number of players in each team, then put on your cricket gear and play, for heaven’s sake.

And if I can’t get there?

If you can’t get there because your mother-in-law insists you come over for Easter Lunch, or, heaven forbid, because you live in a city other than Cape Town, you can follow the match here and on Twitter. And possibly on Radio2000, although I’m not holding my breath on that one, ‘cos I suspect that wasn’t really the station manager I spoke to the other day (I think it was just my dad doing one of his “accents”).